Game Journal: Condemned

THIS POST CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF GAMEPLAY AND STORY SPOILERS FOR CONDEMNED: CRIMINAL ORIGINS

I love that giant disclaimer. Reviews are so much easier without worrying about spoilers. They make the review useless for anyone who's actually thinking of playing the game, but that's not you! Life is grand, for you and me.

Life's not so grand in Condemned, or "Bum Fight 2000", at it's otherwise known. I beat up bums in an abandoned tenement. I beat up bums in an abandoned office building. I beat up bums in abandoned subway tunnels. I beat up bums in an abandoned department store. I beat up bums in an abandoned library. I beat up bums in an abandoned school. I beat up bums in an abandoned country house. It was a bad time for bums in abandoned places all around.

But they weren't all bums. By the end, they were mostly monsters. I guess some people hated the game for going all otherworldly, but the player has visions of the killer before the first bum fight, so it's not like they didn't foreshadow it well enough. As a fan of The Suffering, this made Condemned feel derivative, but derivative of something I liked better, which improved my enjoyment of it.

I am fully cognizant of how insane that is. But it's how I felt. Imagining that Condemned was some sort of prequel or side story that would eventually tie into The Suffering made the "crazy government experiments gone wrong" storyline and monstrous adversaries completely bearable.

And having given up on the combat, I was free to enjoy myself. There were still some annoying fights. But I could usually cheese my way through them with the tazer. The endgame forced me to get good with the light weapons, so I was a blocking fool. I still couldn't say if blocking was more effective than the contingency plan, but when it worked just right, and I took out three guys without a scratch, it felt good.

And actually, while the endgame did force me to use light weapons for a while, I actually decided to get good at them during the school section of the game, where I had frequent access to 2x4s with nails in them. Imagining every enemy using the voice of Harry Shearer to fearfully exclaim "He's got a board, with a nail in it" made me all warm inside.

I also enjoyed being attacked by mobs. Half the time, I only had to hit the one in front and watch as his wild counter attack turned everyone against each other while I just pointed and laughed. In some cases it was just ridiculous as one counter attack would start another counter and so on, making a maelstrom of idiocy. I wish they'd found a way to make the credits roll over an endless bum fight.

I'd give it a three. Out of five. I had a four's worth of fun, but only because I refused to take the game at all seriously. Careful readers will note that I gave Jericho a four and didn't take it at all seriously. But I enjoyed playing Jericho and didn't mind the ridiculous bits. In Condemned I had to invent ridiculous bits, or choose to find the bugs amusing to make my own fun.

Here's my favorite clipping bug in the game. This guy was on all fours, getting to his feet when I paddled his bum with my board with a nail in it.

So there's his body, head stuck in a door, with an unpleasant stain where I whacked him with the magic wand of tetanus.

"I have no problem spanking men."